Negotiating a Price: The Vendor–Client Relationship

The relationship between a vendor and client can sometimes be quite fraught, especially when negotiating a price for a job. Watch the following video. Has this ever happened to you?

It Takes Guts!

The following item was posted by Paul Crabb on SfEPLine, the e-mail discussion group of the Society for Editors and Proofreaders.

“A recent Freecycle announcement:

‘Does anyone have a small fridge in working order. This is to fit under a
worktop. My friend runs a local village bowels club and they need a fridge.’

I bet they do, especially in this heat!”

How to Use an Office Chair

Christine Lindop, who is a fellow member of the Society for Editors and Proofreaders, recently bought a new office chair and was somewhat bemused by the instructions that came with it. The User’s Manual had some wonderful pronouncements such as:

“Headrest height: It is the most suitable height that the scruff is fully supported by the headrest.”

“Arm-pad angle adjustment: It’s the available method to lighten the harm to the hand, that one puts the elbow on the armrest naturally according to the working need, and avoid working without elbow support.”

And best of all:

“Seat depth adjustment: It’s the best depth when the haunch is full on the seat, the waist is crutched completely and the inturn of the knee can not touch the seat brim.”

As Christine commented: “And to think all these years I’ve been sitting with a partly crutched waist…”

How to Spot Symptoms of Swine Flu

My friend Briar Singleton has recently shared with me the following symptoms of Swine Flu:

Look out for any unusual blemishes or rashers.
Unusual behaviour: Doing things you would normally find a complete boar.
Bad temper: Things start to easily rind you up.
High temperature: Feeling that you are absolutely bacon hot.
Chills: Feeling like you need to hog the duvet or curl up in front of a crackling fire.
Developing a sty in either or both eyes.
Urgent cravings: For a large glass of swine or stuffing yourself on apples.
Wanting to fight: Shouting things like “Gammon, have a go if you think you’re hard enough”.
Having trouble with the truth: You’re always telling porky pies.

If any of these symptoms show, then immediately call a hambulance, and go to the hogspital for treatment. Smokers please note it is a non-smoking facility, so you won’t be able to have a snout. If it’s a false alarm, you can trotter off home, but if the symptoms return, you may need to go to your local farmacy for some oinkment.

Another treatment for Swine Flu: Spend the night in a smoky room and in the morning you will be cured.

FIFA has banned Mexican Waves at soccer matches to prevent the spread of infection.

With all the information we are receiving about Swine Flu from the media and the government, there is no danger of us being pig-ignorant about it!

The Backup Song

A few months ago, in a blog post titled “To Buy or Not to Buy” my friend Vanessa Cobb bewailed the fact that her computer had been playing up so much that she had been forced to think about getting a new one. She did so through the eyes of Hamlet. If she had left it too late, and the hard drive had failed before she had backed up her files, she might have thought of this song.

Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly,
There’s not half the files there used to be,
And there’s a millstone hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.

I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say.

Now all my data’s gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.

Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.

Some Song Titles to Make You Laugh

My previous post was about my nephew’s rock band. They don’t play Country and Western music, so I’m sure they wouldn’t touch any of these classics, which are listed on the Freeman Institute website:

• I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim Is Gettin’ Better
• I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
• Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed
• Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth ‘Cause I’m Kissing You Goodbye
• Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
• How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away?
• I Don’t Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
• I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me
• I Flushed You From The Toilet Of My Heart
• I Keep Forgettin’ I Forgot About You
• I Wouldn’t Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I’m Afraid She’d Win
• I’m Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life
• If You Don’t Leave Me Alone, I’ll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will
• If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?
• Mama Get The Hammer (There’s A Fly On Papa’s Head)
• My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
• She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft
• She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger

Tips for Beating the Credit Crunch!

I’d like to thank my friend Briar Singleton (and her friend Claire Bloom) for passing on these tips on how to beat the credit crunch.

DON’T waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to “switch tracks”, simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.

SAVE money on expensive personalized car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate: Mr KVL 741Y.

DON’T waste money buying expensive binoculars; simply stand closer to the object you want to look at.

AN empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner’s helmet.

OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don’t know.

SAVE on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing-up liquid and banging your head repeatedly against the wall.

SAVE a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to Oxfam, they will wash and iron them and you can buy them back for fifty pence.

OLD people, if you feel cold indoors this winter, simply pop outside for ten minutes without a coat, when you go back inside you will really feel the benefit.

CAN’T afford contact lenses? Simply cut out small circles of cling film and press them against your eyes.

WHY pay the earth for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen chips from the freezer and try piecing together potatoes.

MIX tea with coffee, and leave in the fridge to cool. Hey presto! Toffee.

MAKE your own inexpensive mints by leaving blobs of toothpaste to dry on a window sill. Use striped toothpaste to make humbugs.

SHOPPERS, when buying oranges, get more for your money by peeling them before taking them to the counter to be weighed!

The Medieval Book Helpdesk

This sketch about how to use a book was written by Knut Naerum and first appeared on the Norwegian TV show Ostein og jeg in 2001.

Lloyds TSB Bank Launches New-style Cashpoint

Soon to appear on a high street near you!

Prime Minister Announces New Logos for Banks Bail-out